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First of all, I'm sickened by your relative youth and will someday steal it from you like Ursula the Sea Witch we don't look dissimilar, tbh. But either way, you'll need a rolodex of amusing stories about your extracurricular life that makes the people who see you for 8-plus hours a day go, "Damn, she's been there. The flaxen-haired, visor-wearing frat bros you insist on allowing to penetrate you on the weekends. College students, I'm talking to you. Plus, there's the in-class factor. But my point is that you think you're doing something great in bed when you're really just a wet sack of garbage, talent-wise. Decades of fucking, babe. Now, you can spend the time you would have spent writing about how the mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell and use it to drink cent wells at your local dive and wake up hangover-free. Sorry, but your grades will improve I know that's legitimately the lamest benefit and probably the reason more young girls aren't like, taken seriously in academia or whatever, but banging your professor will result in better grades. My dad is not only around, but a really great guy! When it's between consenting adults, do you know how glorious it is to explore such a fun power dynamic difference? Have I ever steered you wrong? Older guys just know how to throw it back How long have you been having sex? How old are you, anyway? There's a reason that searching anything related to "professor-student" porn returns about a million results. And dude, I don't even have daddy issues! Sitting in a lecture and knowing the dude in front of you droning on and on about oxbow lakes and metamorphic rocks or whatever has had sex with you on the very desk he's tapping for emphasis is a feeling akin only to freebasing heroin and Sephora's annual 20 percent-off sale for VIB members. There's just no way a man can look you in the eye and pass back your essay on confessional poetry marked with a scarlet C- knowing full well he had his mouth on your actual genitals the night before. Having sex with your professor is the best college experience you could have Fuck football games and student government by Amanda Ross Queue up Vitamin C's "Graduation" before you start reading this. Henry Walden-type next to the dinosaur skeletons in his tchotchke -filled office is way juicier. Sometimes you'll have to wear an earth-toned, boiled-wool cardigan and talk about the weather. I'll even put the video here for you to save you the three seconds it'd take to smash that mf Google button: To my seniors, it's fucking crunch time but I have faith you can cross the finish line with the same level of begrudging focus you use to pass your classes — that is, with the help of pharmaceuticals for which you're not prescribed. Imagine how bonkers it'll be if the only relationship you have with your father is a black-and-white photo of a solider your mom gave you as a child, but you're pretty sure she just fished it from a garage sale bargain bin to shut you up! Every single spring without exception, your failing university newspaper will publish a bucket list of things you should do before graduating, and it's always lame shit like "Share a slice with your best friends: It makes for a really great story As an adult, you'll have to go through the at-time torturous ritual of post-work happy hours.
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