I've also found that stingy men aren't as good lovers as their more generous counterparts. A sexually charged man who is in command of his urges and firmly situated in his sexual expression will turn me into a breathless, perpetually aroused Alpha Submissive in no time flat. I have no time or patience for men who play games and control women in order to feel like men. None of these answers seemed to fit. If you gave me a choice between bedding Don Draper and Atticus Finch, I'd choose that soft-spoken lawyer any day. In all other contexts I want a man who doesn't try to dominate me, who understands the need for compromise, reciprocity, communication, and respect. It's not sexy to sleep with someone who holds back physically or emotionally in bed. But mostly I reflected on the intangibles -- qualities, values, character traits -- a man must possess so that I want to send plates flying as I crawl across the dinner table and lower myself onto his lap.
It's impossible for me to connect with someone who's ultra-literal, hyper-serious, and rarely laughs. Partnership -- The only place I want to be dominated is in the bedroom, and that still requires my consent. If you gave me a choice between bedding Don Draper and Atticus Finch, I'd choose that soft-spoken lawyer any day. Mindfulness -- Not that long ago, I was attracted to men so ambitious that they appeared to be driven by motors. It's an ambience distilled from quiet authority, an ability to read my body and my breath, a sensual lingering in the moment that may or may not involve gazing in my eyes, but always requires a desire to be vulnerable and present. And the brand of humor is critical. This means he can tell you what he wants, when he's afraid, how you make him feel, what he did that he's made amends for, what he's overcome, what brings him to his knees. Affectionate -- Affection is warmth in action. I let my mind wander over images of men throughout my life who have made my breath catch, and my skin tingle, just by being in their presence. I have no time or patience for men who play games and control women in order to feel like men. Compassion, empathy, a ready smile, an easy laugh -- these traits and actions are disarming in the best sense of the word. One benefit to being 52 is that I've finally learned what to look for in a man. It's not sexy to sleep with someone who holds back physically or emotionally in bed. I don't care how gorgeous a man is; if he can't entice me with his mind, the sexual chemistry won't be there. But now, at 52, I don't really have a "type. While they may dazzle in the beginning, womanizers, scoundrels, and narcissists use lies, cheap tricks, and smoke and mirrors for personal gain. Vulnerability -- A man isn't strong unless he is also vulnerable. None of these answers seemed to fit. There is nothing sexier than a man who's grounded, who's in command of the impulses and anger that may have derailed him when he was younger, whose quiet confidence telegraphs, without a hint of arrogance, that he has nothing to prove. When I was younger, I tended to like men who were tall, thin, and dark-haired. Did I notice eyes? Generosity -- Stinginess is a turn-off. There is nothing sexy about a man who pretends to be something he's not, who lacks any depth of feeling, and who doesn't care how much blood he leaves on the tracks. Mindfulness -- the ability to be aware and present in the moment, even if that moment is painful -- is the ultimate form of ambition because it requires a commitment to personal growth that is not for the faint of heart. Critical thinking, an unquenchable thirst for learning, and a gift for distinctive self-expression create, for me, a kind of male siren's song.
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