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We were bussed to another school to learn about gymnastics. This was the early 80s in Mississauga a suburb outside of Toronto and everyone in my high school who was a boy called everyone who was in gymnastics a faggot. Towards the late 80s, pornography and the representation of gay men changed dramatically. I was terrified of what I might see, afraid that the boys might notice me looking at them, and ashamed — for no clear reason at that time — of my body. Imagine pairing an allergic reaction and ADHD together! I thought I was the only one.
After showering, one of the boys was confident enough to say he was afraid of getting naked, because he was the only one who had not yet reached puberty. The hairy man, the butch man, the moustached and rugged man was celebrated in the late 70s and early 80s, especially in places like New York and San Francisco. I was fucking terrified. How do you think my schoolyard peers and teachers responded? Where did I fit in with all of this? Without oxygen you die. Essentially everything that was once considered ugly, reprehensible, and not sexy, became attractive to some. I finally figured out what I liked about my body and I realized that what other men liked about me was okay, and it was good enough. It was summer and I had my shirt off, proudly displaying my body. He coaches gay men to break out of the status quo that fucks with who they really are. Knowing is important and the first step to making any positive change. AIDS Happened When I first came out and started going to gay bars in Toronto in , I started to feel more secure, because I was having a lot of sex and getting a lot of positive feedback about my body and my sexual energy. The struggle now was a greater one. Go back to high school when you were starting to develop more of your ego and identity having reached puberty. The longer you starve your body of healthy nutrients, proper exercise, and self-love, the more it will decline. I never continued with it because I was afraid. Just as I was starting to feel comfortable about myself there was a fucking disease that was killing gay men; the same gay men who were making me feel self-confident and attractive. You might be strong enough to make changes on your own, or you might need to seek help. Towards the late 80s, pornography and the representation of gay men changed dramatically. Remember that moment when you felt confident, secure, and loved for you and for your body. Darren Stehle is The Queer Coach. Start with your childhood memories. My body became part of the gay body collective. History seems to repeat itself and in the late 90s Bears became a new sub-culture in the gay community. If only I could have openly said that I was also nervous, but because I was curious to see what other boys look like naked.
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